


An orchestra of feelings

by Shirou9Atsuya



Category: Inazuma Eleven
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Physical Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 01:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16075103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirou9Atsuya/pseuds/Shirou9Atsuya
Summary: “Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” ― Plato





	An orchestra of feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, guys !
> 
> I'm back after... 14 days ? (I'm not at good at mathematics, sowwy), and I hope everything is going well for you ? Anyway, I'm back with an EnKi fanfic for Seraph, aka metallicseraph on Tumblr ! I promised her an one-shot of her boys, but it'll be a fanfic of two chapters. So, here I'm throwing at all of you (especially her) deeper & heavier angst of EnKi ! It has been a long time since the Shirou & Atsuya one, so I hope you'll like it !
> 
> Warning : Please, pay attention to the tags. It's very important because you'll read some serious & heavy stuff ;;
> 
> P.S. : I don't own any of the characters. Also, sorry for the typos/mistakes you may see.

What a strange feeling that was sadness. It was disturbing, almost scary at the thought of not being able to get rid of it. But he got used to it. Over the years, he had become accustomed to these incessant waves of distress, loneliness, and sadness. Nobody had come to his rescue. No one had heard his silent cries, his deafening supplications, or even seen his eyes filled with despair. Until that day he will never forget... with Endou Mamoru.

**

"Do not forget, Yuuto. You are the pride of the Kidou family."

"Yes, father."

"You will be at the head of the company when I'll be unable to continue. You know how important that reception is, don't you ?" Mr. Kidou insisted, landing more comfortably against the back of his leather chair.

"Yes, father. I will not disappoint you."

"I hope so. Go, now."

Kidou bent as he did when he came in and headed for the door to leave the prominent office. He closed the door behind him. All the pressure, the anxiety he had felt deep inside himself, the tension in his muscles, relaxed and disappeared little by little. He took a deep breath, exhaled, as if to chase away those unpleasant sensations. He hated talks with his father. But who was he to have any word to say ? Kidou Yuuto, that was who he was. And he had heard his father enough to know the burden he bore on his shoulders, the responsibilities and duties he had to perform, in honor of the Kidou family. Sometimes he wondered if it could be different... 

"I'm a baka. Completely baka", Kidou muttered weakly, a thin smile stretching his trembling lips. He clenched his fists, then loosened them. He gave another deep sigh.

After standing in front of his father's door for long minutes, he decided to go to his room to get ready. The reception began at 17:30. It was 3:47 pm. He had about an hour to get ready and arrive at his destination. It was good enough.

As he walked through the corridors of his mansion, Kidou noticed how wide they were. The walls were immaculate, blank of all photos. There were only the windows overlooking the gardens, furniture along the white and sad walls. Everything was in its place, where it had to be... as he was himself. Even if he wasn't sure.

And when he reached his room, those feelings remained. No matter where he was in this house, he felt the same unpleasant feelings, but impossible to restrain. It's been like this since he came here, and it will remain so until his adulthood. Kidou laughed bitterly.

"Why do you still have hope, baka..." Kidou said to himself as his trembling hands began to unbutton the buttons of his shirt one by one.

He must not worry. Whether for the outfit of the recepetion, transport, security. Everything was under control, and nothing could go wrong. That was how the great power of the Kidou family looked like... Everything was controlled, led with the baton, to ensure the sake of the family and the great company that was so enviable, so admired... And he was part of it, that orchestra . His father was the leader, and he was one of the instruments. Which ? Whatever. One of the most important. All that mattered was that he was playing the right notes, until his hands will run out and fall out by the lack of strength. That was his role.

Kidou tightened his red tie, slipped on the black vest, followed by his glasses. His atypical eyes were hidden again. His eyes where all his feelings clashed, choking at the impossibility of revealing themselves. But all that was usual. It was no longer a fight for Kidou. He had learned the notes, and will continue to play them until the end, until his father ordered him to stop.

"What can I do now ?" Kidou thought, turning around his bedroom. His homework was done. His room was tidy. He was ready for the reception. There was nothing left in his list of things to do. So he just decided to sit on the couch facing the television. He lit it. And as the images passed before his eyes, he lost himself again in his thoughts. They strolled on his side... on that boy side.

Kidou's eyes widened at the sudden vibration of his phone in his pocket. He hesitated a moment, before finally searching in his pocket to get it out. He turned on the screen, went out of sleep mode, and displayed its notifications. At least a dozen missed calls, and some unanswered messages. He read the culprit of all these misdeeds : Endou Mamoru. A smile appeared on his face. He decided to call him.

"Kidou ? Is it you ?" A hesitant voice came up after the few seconds of waiting.

"Who could it be, baka ? And you're the one who harassed me."

"I just wanted to talk to you, but you didn't answer at all", Endou answered a sulky voice on the other side of his phone.

"I was busy."

"Because of that reception you told me about, huh ?"

"Yeah. That reception", Kidou confirmed. A minute of silence extended until Endou broke it.

"Tell me, Kidou. Can I come to your house ?"

"Endou, I'll be leaving soon. We can see each other tomorrow."

"So, can I accompany you to the reception ?"

"Well, I... I don't think it's a good idea. You know, Endou..." Kidou swallowed hard. He hated to say that kind of things. "People like... Well, people of your rank cannot participate. Only high-ranking people."

"Um, I see..."

Kidou was uncomfortable. But after all, it was the pure truth. And even if he wanted Endou to come with him, so that he wouldn't be alone as always. Even if he wanted to shout to him that he wanted to see him, to see his smile, to feel his support through his hand holding his, his fingers intertwined with his, he just... he just couldn't tell him anything but the hard truth.

"Endou, I-"

"Don't worry, Kidou. But we could do something else before you go to that party."

"What ?"

"Play sakka, of course!" Endou's animated voice retorted, almost making him lose a tympanum. He smiled in spite of himself.

"Endou. I will dirty my clothes, and I will not have time to change them."

"So what ? It's not a bit of dirt that will kill you! We'll have a good time." Endou paused, before continuing. "And I really want to play with you, Kidou."

Kidou opened his eyes wide, before the surprise disappeared again to give way to that precious happiness. There was only Endou to make him feel that happiness, that sakka baka.

Kidou sighed. "Okay. Just wait for me."

"Don't forget, I'll be by the river !"

"I know, don't worry."

He hung up, stood up and walked to the glass doors giving to his balcony. If his father knew he was going to play sakka before the reception, he would kill him. But if he didn't know, he couldn't scold him, could he ?

"Kidou Yuuto, it's not time to flee", Kidou murmured as he stepped over the stone wall of the balcony.

There was a tree near the balcony, but considering the height of the balcony from the ground, Kidou thought he could afford to jump straight. If he was careful, his clothes couldn't tear or get dirty. He had to land softly, without making any noise, and without taking the risk of damaging his outfit. He took a deep breath, took a last look back before returning to the ground. He jumped.

**

The passers-by glanced at him curiously. After all, it wasn't usual that a well-dressed young man, with clothes that were worth a fortune, would walk in the streets of Inazuma. But Kidou was feeling... great. Free. Released. Only the school allowed him to be like the others, walking through the streets of Inazuma after school, passing through the candy store at Mr. Hibiki's restaurant. All this with his friends... with him. Endou.

Kidou smiled to himself, and continued his way cheerfully. He left the commercial streets of Inazuma, and landed on the road leading to the land by the river. The wind was cool. The sun was still high in the sky. There were still children running one after the other, their parents keeping an eye on them while they were telling each other the latest gossip. It was a nice feeling. He was feeling good. And he was going to feel even better when-

"Kidou ! Finally !"

"Sorry for the time I-"

Endou stopped him by jumping on him to take him in his arms and hold him tightly. He felt his arms curl around his neck, and his head resting on his shoulder. Kidou did not move a centimeter. He could not move. With big eyes and red to his ears, Kidou decided to speak.

"En-Endou, what are you doing ?"

"Don't move, Kidou. It's been so long that I had seen you."

Endou spoke so ... seriously. With his words, he hugged him tighter, and Kidou had no choice but to wrap his arms around him.

"I missed you, Kidou."

"I did too, Endou."

They stayed that way for a moment, and Kidou took advantage of it. That was what he needed, which he was dying to enjoy every day. To enjoy that heat, that warmth... Endou was like his own sun.

"Kidou, why are you all red ?" Endou suddenly asked as he parted from him. Fortunately, his glasses hid the disappointment in his eyes.

"How do you dare asking me that ?"

"You're so cute when you blush ! It's rare to see you in this state", Endou exclaimed with a big smile, while Kidou was melting on the spot at his remark.

"Shut up, sakka baka !"

"Are you calling me sakka baka ? Pfff. Not my fault if I love sakka so much", Endou mumbled, picking up his gym bag, which he had thrown just before jumping into his arms.

"And that's why I came here, to play this sport that you cherish so much."

And to see you again.

Endou blinked and smiled. "So let's go !"

"By the way. Where is Gouenji ?"

"He couldn't come. He told me he had things to settle", Endou said sadly.

"I see..." He knew what 'those things' were. Gouenji had told him about them. And Kidou was sure that Endou was just as aware about what was going on. But he stayed silent. As he did. It was better to silence those painful things.

"Are you ready, Kidou ?"

Kidou got out of his thoughts. He gave back Endou's smile and nodded.

"Of course."

**

Kidou didn't see the time passing. And he didn't even realize the state of his outfit. His vest and tie were on the stairs, with Endou's bag. He was just in a shirt, his sleeves rolled up, sweat flowing everywhere. But he was smiling like an idiot, and Endou too. It was... joyful, fun. Kidou hadn't felt like that for a long time. It was making him a lot of good.

"Geez, Kidou. You have improved !"

"And by what I saw so far, I'm not the only one", Kidou replied with a smile.

"I didn't stop training, even when you weren't there."

"I'm sorry, Endou."

And he was. After all, it had been two weeks since they had seen each other.

That silence. Again that uneasy silence. While he was with Endou, where there had never been any communication problems between them. He hated that. He-

"Kidou-sama ?"

His blood froze. His eyes bulged. He got livid. Kidou swallowed.

"Kidou-sama, you didn't go to the reception."

"I'm sorry."

That tone. He realized how naive he was to believe they couldn't find him. How naive it was to believe that it could be different. He looked up at Endou, who seemed lost. Kidou smiled, to reassure him. But the anxiety that was shining in his eyes didn't disappear. He couldn't see it anyway.

"Endou- "

"Go, Kidou."

He recovered the damaged ball on the ground, straightened up and went to his bag juggling on the ground.

"I want to see you again."

Endou continued his way, leaving Kidou alone with his butler, completely speechless.

"Kidou-sama. We have to go see your father."

His voice didn't even reach his ear. All he was thinking about was Endou. He observed walking on the small bridge, towards his house. After murmuring those words, and brushing his hand against his fingers. Kidou raised his hand, and began to look at it. His touch was still present on his skin. It only lasted a few seconds, but what he felt was so strong, so intense... It was the first time he had felt such things with anyone.

"Kidou-sama."

"Yes. I'm coming", Kidou snapped, dropping his hand. He didn't look at his butler. He hurried past him, and began to climb the stairs, observing the black limo sitting on the edge of the road. He grimaced.

He was going to spend a hell of horrible time.

**

"Come on... Calm down. Calm down, damn it."

Kidou took his phone in his trembling hands. He dried the salt water on his cheeks, and sniffed for the umpteenth time. The conversation of sooner came back to him. He clenched his teeth, his fists closed.

"Bastard", Kidou murmured hoarsely. He sniffed again.

He had already been punished in the past. Sometimes physically, sometimes by simple punishments such as not going out or worse, playing sakka. His father allowed him to play because he knew that being the former captain of Teikoku, and one of the players who had won the FFI, could bring him a lot of money. But this time, it had been a physical punishment.

Kidou laid on his bed, ignoring the pain that enveloped his body. His eyes were fixed on the screen of his phone, the only source of light in his room plunged into darkness. His finger hovered over Endou's number, hesitating to call him and talk to him. Endou wasn't aware of anything, and it was better that way. And now that he had cried well, there was no way he could burst into tears in the middle of the conversation. But who knew what he could do to Endou... He couldn't take that risk. Endou was too important, too important for him to be damaged, hurt, traumatized by that person, like he was. He wanted to be the only victim of that man.

Kidou sighed, and put away his phone. He put it on the sheets of his bed, and turned to the other side, facing the open window. To hear the noises from the outside, feel the fresh air, see the starry sky spread far away... All that soothed him, and somehow helped him to forget. Years of training, but sometimes he had a hard time not thinking about the fact that he had been adopted by the wrong family... a family that had taken everything away from him. Absolutely everything.

He closed his eyes, and dropped into Morpheus's arms. With a quivering, almost silent breath, Kidou fell asleep on his bed, still fully dressed, clothes dirty and wrinkled by the fight he had given his father, his body bruised by wounds. The night enveloped him as it advanced...

**

Kidou didnt know what time it was when he suddenly woke up to a loud noise that had just occurred. It was late, and the house was calm. And when Kidou looked at the window, there was nothing and nobody. He blinked several times, trying to improve his blurred vision, tears of fatigue flowing down on cheeks from the corners of his garnet eyes. It was only when he turned his head towards his office that he saw the source of the noise. His eyes widened.

"Endou, what are you doing here ?"

"Sorry, Kidou. I hope I didn't make too much noise", Endou muttred, scratching his head. He stood motionless, watching the door with his anxious eyes, on the lookout for the slightest sound of footsteps.

The bed crackled under the weight of Kidou who got up from his bed. He didn't leave the other from his gaze, and wondered if he was crazy.

"Endou, what are you doing at my house ?" Kidou resumed in a broken voice. Endou glanced at him.

"I came to make sure you were fine."

"Coming through my window in the middle of the night... all alone. Are you crazy, or what ?" Kidou replied, finally getting out of his bed. He staggered a little, still a bit lost in the space and shook by the events of earlier. He straightened quickly, and slowly approached Endou.

"You didn't answer my messages."

"I was sleeping."

"And I preferred to make sure you were okay by myself."

Kidou was surprised to hear such a serious tone from Endou, who always seemed cheerful and happy. He realized that there were sides of him he didn't know, and just that excited him. He wanted to know more about him. Kidou slapped himself mentally.

"It's not the moment. He has to get out of there at all costs", Kidou thought, tense. 

"Endou. I'm touched that you came to see if I was okay, but as you can see, I'm fine", Kidou said. He opened his arms wide, a reassuring smile stretching his lips.

Endou was silent, staring at Kidou for a moment. Judging that no one was about to come by a last look to the door, Endou finally decided to move. He approached Kidou, his face dark and stern, a face that didn't suit him. Kidou swallowed, and he felt the goosebumps at that strange, threatening aura coming from a boy like him, who was and always had been a ray of sunshine. There were other Endous in him.

"Kidou. Can I ask you something ?"

Kidou opened his eyes slightly in surprise, before nodding slowly. Endou came closer to him, invading his personal space, and put his hands on his shoulders. Kidou winced, but managed to hold back his groan of pain. He looked up at Endou, lost and irritated.

"What's your problem, Endou ?"

"Tell me, Kidou. Am I not trustworthy ?"

"What ? What do you mean ?"

"Why didn't you tell me that your father was abusing of you ?"

How could he know ? How Endou knew about his father and- He was probably bluffing, to make him talk. But Kidou knew Endou well enough to know how to avoid making such stupid mistakes with such a simplistic strategy. He couldn't know. And how could he have known ? It was bluffing.

"What are you talking about ?" Kidou feigned surprise, trying to sound as believable as possible. With his eyes uncovered, it was hard to hide all his emotions jostling in him.

"I know a lot of people take me for an idiot, but I know it... I know, Kidou. I'm not a fool like everyone thinks." Endou tightened his grip on his shoulders, and Kidou winced again. Endou closed the distance between them a little more. He could feel Endou's warm breath against his skin, the heat coming from his body, his body brushing against his, his hair tickling his bare forehead... and his intense eyes on him. Kidou hardly looked up at him.

"Endou-"

"Why didn't you tell me ? I could have helped you from the beginning. I could have done something."

Anger was obvious his face. Endou felt like... betrayed. That anger was so palpable, and for the first time, Kidou feared the ray of sunshine of his life. He had never seen such an Endou.

He lowered his head, his eyes lost on the carpet and his socks. Endou's grip on his shoulders relaxed. He slid his hands over his neck, and gently put his hands on his cheeks, covering them completely. Kidou did nothing. But his heart was beating so hard in his chest. He was lost, excited, overwhelmed by all possible and unimaginable emotions. Endou was horrible. He wasn't even aware of what he was feeling just with his gestures. Why was he like that ? Why was he doing all that to him ?

"Kidou, I have another thing to tell you."

"If you told me why you're doing all that, Endou."

He couldn't put his hands on his. It would be too clear. Even Endou was going to understand his real feelings, and if he wanted to protect him, he couldn't. If he wanted to protect him from that man, he had to push him away before he made a mistake.

"Endou, I-"

"You're the most stupid one here."

Kidou looked up at Endou, the surprise clearly present on his face. Endou had a thin smile on his lips, a little amused by his reaction. His smile widened a bit more.

"This time, you are the most ignorant."

And he approached slowly, but dangerously, to his face. And Kidou, frightened as he was, didn't move. He let himself be rather more, more lost than ever... When Endou's lips sealed with his, Kidou felt like the most stupid of all. He felt stupid, lost, happy, excited, frightened... and all his emotions mixed up got sobs out from him, that Endou swallowed with his mouth, deepening at the same time the kiss by his hand on his neck. One last turn, and they parted.

He had no idea what was going on in his life anymore.

**

**Author's Note:**

> Please, don't hesitate to leave comments & kudos. <3


End file.
